Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

I don't have a lot to update this with so this will be short. I started watching Angel on Netflix. I'm on season two. I finally quit smoking. I also got a higher paying job. This week I will be able to cross off some big goals. I'll be getting my license back. (Duh Tip: always pay your tickets on time.) Reaching goals is painstakingly slow and never easy. But I will be doing a happy dance for crossing off a few things. Like my over due divorce. Years over due but another band aid I can rip off quickly. I'll be able to close the file on some of the things I've needed to do for a while and kept putting off. I also discovered that I have a hormone imbalance. I found that maca root does help dramaticly. There are no side affects when you're on the right dosage level and I can increase my dose or stop taking it without hurting myself. I prefer it to anti-depressants. As a woman who is now in her 30's, I've been experiencing changes in my mood and emotions which can be hard to handle. I like that the maca root helped me instantly and really improved my disposition. Other than that I got some really hot Betsey Johnson heels and they are so cute I never want to take them off. So that's it. Boring post over :)

Don't Forget To Have A Good Time

I really haven't been keeping up with this blog. Mostly because I've been busy with life and a little because I don't have much to post about. Plus, I've been insanely sick this week. For some reason when I'm sick, I get really fucking depressed. Anyway, don't come looking for a new post for a while, unless I have something new to say except Happy New Year.



"present/infant" by Ani DiFranco

lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age i'd of thought
of something better to do
than making insecurity into a full-time job
making insecurity into an art
i fear my life will be over
and i will have never lived it unfettered
always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better

but now here's this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me
with that present/infant glee
and i would defend
to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be

so i'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and i've got myself a new mantra
it says: "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff
power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place

We define our moral ground

The Ship Song (Nick Cave Cover)

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby
Every time you come around 

Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you come around 

We talk about it all night long
We define our moral ground
But when I crawl into your arms
Everything comes tumbling down 

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby
Every time you come around 

Your face has fallen sad now
For you know the time is nigh
When I must remove your wings
And you, you must try to fly 

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby
Every time you come around 

Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you come around 

My Lapse

I am ashamed to admit this but yesterday I had a very bad lapse of judgement and selfishness. I wish to only apologize to the people I love. I am not sorry for anything I said to the person who inspired this lapse but I am ashamed that I could not handle my emotions in a graceful way. Instead, I handled them immaturely and angrily. There are no winners in this situation. There is nothing I can do to fix any of the past. Nothing will change it, nothing but time, letting go and trying to forget will help. Maybe forgiving myself would be good but I think its too soon right now.

What I have realized, is that it really sucks to be lied to for the last 15 years. It's the same thing as cheating. Only someone else is cheating you out of the truth. I guess sometimes, even when you know someone well, you can still be fooled and blinded by love. Feeling humiliated by these lies, drove me to a breaking point. Thankfully, I can be honest with the people in my life and admit I fucked up and still be told that it's going to be ok. For that, I am grateful.

Yes, I still feel like I've been made a fool of and humiliated on top of everything else I've gone through in the name of Love. Really, isn't that what life is about? The wounds will heal (sooner than later I hope), and as Ani DiFranco says, "I am a work in progress."

"the slant" by Ani DiFranco

the slant
a building settling around me
my figure female framed crookedly
in the threshold
of the room
door scraping floorboards
with every opening
carving a rough history
of bedroom scenes
the plot hard to follow
the text obscured
in the folds of sheets
slowly gathering the stains
of seasons spent lying there
red and brown
like leaves fallen
the colors of an eternal cycle
fading with the
wash cycle
and the rinse cycle
again an unfamiliar smell
like my name misspelled
or misspoken
a cycle broken
the sound of them strong
stalking talking about their prey
like the way hammer meets nail
pounding, they say
pounding out the rhythms of attraction
like a woman was a drum like a body was a weapon
like there was something more they wanted
than the journey
like it was owed to them
steel toed they walk
and i'm wondering why this fear of men
maybe it's because i'm hungry
and like a baby i'm dependent on them
to feed me
i am a work in progress
dressed in the fabric of a world unfolding
offering me intricate patterns of questions
rhythms that never come clean
and strengths that you still haven't seen

Letting Go

Sometimes we find it hard to let go of people we love or loved. I find that seeking those people out that aren't in your life (for good reason) is sometimes really hard not to do. I want to know everything about everything and curiosity takes over my better judgement.

The good part is that I know he's happy. He's gone on dates and is going back to school. But then, why was I ever worried about this person?  It's silly to worry about someone who will be just fine and who is just as better off without me, as I am him. I don't think anyone should be in a relationship where you love this person so much, it doesn't matter what they do to you, as long as they're with you. It's wrong. But when you're in it, when you feel so strongly, it just becomes a mutually abusive relationship and deteriorates your opinion of yourself and the other person. Not to mention what it does to your kid.

I am very happy at this point in my life and I finally feel like things are going in the right direction. So I am choosing to feel better and happy for him because I know he's ok and that he's found a young girl that likes him back. I hope that he can finally have the family he wants and a healthy (hopefully) love with someone else, who his mother approves of. Why shouldn't I be happy for another human being if they've found something good in their life?

So, here's where perspective comes in. This person wasn't always someone I dated. Once upon a time, he was a friend. So I choose to forget the relationship and remember that I would like others to be happy too. Just as I hope others would like me to be happy as well. Letting go is a conscience and hard choice. But it's a choice that I make to enrich my life and the lives of the people around me. It's part of being kind to myself. I haven't always been kind to myself but I think I'm getting better with practice.

Because I am a Joyful Girl

I thought it was about time for a happier blog. It's been so long since I've felt happiness that wasn't just fleeting or spoiled. I now see that happiness is all about perspective and the conditions you set for yourself, and the people you love that love you back. A mutual support system, a family. How good it feels to realize, I wasn't alone all these years, to know my mother loves me as I love Holden.

I feel more like myself now and I have hope for the future, which is quite a big change. I believe it is sustainable and I look forward to the future and everything that comes with it. I finally feel strong enough to handle life on life's terms, without getting upset if things don't go my way.

This won't be a long blog, but please take this into consideration. I want whoever reads this to feel Love, to know that Happiness is achievable, sustainable and that it is even better than you can image it to be. But it is up to you to see that and believe it. I could go on all day with what I think people can do to help them find happiness and keep it, but it would be as useful as giving someone a self help book or anything from Tony Robbins and hoping that they'll learn something from it. I could write a book on it, it doesn't mean it will help you. But I will give you this, Let Go Of The Past and stop being scared of The Future. We are all made of the same stuff as the stars and Love (whether its from family, friends, yourself or a partner) is the most wonderful thing in the universe.

So that's my very short post on Happiness. I want to give everyone who doesn't have it, hope that they can find it, if they open their heart and learn to let love be their guide.

Ps. It's only 38 days until Christmas! We'll be making gifts for our families this year. I can't wait to have it all sorted out. Maybe I'll take photos before we wrap presents.

Excuse my run-on sentences...

Before I get into this post, I'd like to recommend The Four Agreements. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but it's a really simple, intense and honest book. I'd also like to recommend a really well honed sense of humor. It does help.

if you can't read the shirt it says, "ask me about borderline personality disorder"

Most of the time, when I'm alone and left to my own devices, the crazy train starts choo-chooing and pulling out of the station. Once that chaotic insanity is on its course, it's overwhelming and most of the time I don't know how to stop it, or get a hold of myself before I do something completely destructive and uncalled for. Sometimes, it's just crossing boundaries and being selfish. Sometimes, it's worse. But I'm trying, that means something right? (Please, say yes.)

Admittedly and very embarrassingly, I have an incredibly hard time controlling my emotions. That's what my Borderline Personality book says is one trait. What chaffs me the most about this disorder, is that I feel like its un-cure-able. Yes, there is therapy, meds, techniques and learned behaviors to control these traits, but the sad and depressing realization is that its always going to be a part of my makeup. However, I would like to say for myself, that I am not the sum of my actions, good or bad. I am more than a fucking mental disorder that is real and currently acknowledged in Psychiatric literature.

What I have gathered from observing other people in my life, who don't have BPD, is that because they can't see or understand it (and for the most part I'm a well-spoken, heartfelt, hard-working, loving and generous person who isn't completely hideous), they don't believe it's real. They see what they want and then I'm a monster for the moodiness, neediness, uncontrollable emotions, attachment issues and impulsive decisions. They can't see what's going on inside, all they know is what I can express and language is inert when it comes to abstract things like emotions.

But if it were cancer, AIDS or a physical disability, I think they would be more compassionate towards me as a human fucking being with problems, who really just needs someone to listen and nod (besides a therapist), and not judge. Just to be supportive and say, "Yes, you really fucked up," and let me try to find a way to fix it or learn from my mistake.

Someone found this ad on Craigslist in 2009 and sent it to me. Someone, I wish, could have understood me. Handing a potential life partner/spouse a book about BPD and expecting them to read it and get it, I now see is an unreal expectation. Anyway, suffice to say, I'm sure he hates me because there were many times I made bad decisions and they hurt him.

So here's the ad. I will say this, most of it, I have not ever done. I will be honest (because otherwise what's the point of a journal?) and bold everything that I have personally been guilty of, past or present.

(Disclaimer: If you have BPD, like I do, don't take this too seriously. I think it was written from someone who was very hurt, immature and unable to deal with what he had gone through in a healthy way. This is a reminder to try to be self aware at all times, so that you can try to have control over the things you can and ask for forgiveness when you lose that control.)


FROM CRAIGSLIST:

"Hi, I am that beautiful woman that will make you the center of her world, you will be a God to me and our sex life will be perfect. I will cut your hair, massage your feet, trim your nails, pluck your eyebrows as long as you spend ALL of your free time with me. I am like a late night commercial where if you buy into me I will make all of your dreams come true. (for a while) Just marry me, and care for my two kids, pay for everything, buy me a car, and I will write checks to cash on our account and lie about it. Yes I am needy and I will call you a hundred times a day to make sure your not cheating. I promise to drink a LOT and take every drug available. I will bad mouth all of my ex husbands because I have never done anything wrong. I will play all day while you work. I will sign up for school then quit. I will scream and rage at you and talk trash about you to everyone I know. I promise to hit you and punch you and do my very best to get pregnant so I can leave you and get free money from you. You haven't heard of me because nobody really talks about me.


My name is Borderline Personality Disorder.


I will lead you down a dark path if you let me. Just look me up. I AM EVERYWHERE. I am the girl that is your sole mate after three dates. I am the girl that does not allow boundaries. I am the girl that has no old friends. I am the girl that has tantrums, or breaks up and gets back together with you over and over and over again. I love drama. I love to flirt. Other women hate me, but you won't understand that because you are under my spell. I am crazy. I am a selfish person. I am scary without make-up so I spend hours getting ready. Oh yeah I like to cut and burn myself, but you won't see that until you wake up from my nightmare. I love nice guys. I love to leave destruction in my path. I love child support checks, I love it when you don't wear a condom. I promise I am on the pill. Since I love you already, here is what to look for to find me.


1. I look good. 2. I love you, I hate you 3. I am moody 4. I always have the last word 5. I will take no responsibility for my behavior 6. I have abandonment issues/ daddy issues 7. I like crazy fun. 8. My needs come first or else I get mad 9. All of my ex boyfriends and husbands are jerks 10. I like it when the man makes the plans. 11. I have been quitting smoking for the past ten years 12. I will ignore my kids until the hook is set, my ex can deal with them until I know you love me, then you can help me with the kids i.e. do everything. 13. I can’t hold a job very long so I have had tons of them. 14. My hair color changes often because I do not know who I am. 15. I can’t be alone, EVER. 16. The longest I have been alone is two weeks after any break-up. Like I always say, I am needy. 16. Someone has or will pay for a boob job for me. 17. I have no savings account, but I like yours. 18. You are the perfect man for me and I have never been in love before you came along. What’s your name again? 19. I may have been abused as a child. 20. I can’t be fixed, no matter how hard you try, you dummy.


Come see me, please don't look up Borderline Personality Disorder online and learn about me because then I have no power over you. DO YOU HEAR ME A-HOLE NO READING ABOUT ME OR ELSE! Love ya babe. "  ---- END OF AD


So, that was pretty harsh. It's never easy to really be honest with yourself about the things you've done and take responsibility for them. It's even harder to stand up, admit them to people and then actually do something about it. I have started to take steps (ironically, similar to AA steps) to accept that I am mentally challenged in certain ways and try to fix them.

My goal with this endeavor, is that just because I feel suicidal, depressed, uncontrollably angry, hurt or just moody, I'm not going to let this ruin my son's life. I hide this side of myself from him.Yes, he's smart and will at times pick up on things. But I believe, by being honest with him and trying to be a real rolemodel, that he will be okay. I don't want him to grow up and make my mistakes, or have my baggage. He is loved, held, not ignored or passed off to anyone else (but his father on his scheduled time to have him). In fact, I may overcompensate by making him the center of my world and by trying to give him everything.

To answer my own question, what I'm living for now, is the people I love so deeply that it brings me to tears and kills me inside to think of them hurt by anything I've said or done. That I can feel this and be present, gives me hope that even though there's no cure, that maybe Love is the answer.